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Too Much Class Spreads Butter Knives Thin

2018 Runners-Up Brett's Classy Ladies slice and dice Cruger & Co.

When team captain Becca Cruger situated her four pack of Morning Squeeze brew atop a cold Town Square Arena snow bank, she couldn't have guessed how quickly those cans would soon freeze over, posing a Christmas-Story-lamp-pole-esque threat to the thirsty halftime lips of her embattled teammates in 30-below weather. Nor could Cruger have foreseen the coldest of offensive outputs by any team in the history of the Half Brothers Broomball League, as her Butter Knives fell to Brett's Classy Ladies 9-0 in the season opener for both teams.

From the early onset, it was clear the Butter Knives vied to wear down the 2018 Runners-Up with a combination of bull rushes, poor passing, hopeless fast breaks, and wearing themselves down. But the tactic proved ineffective, as Brett's Classy Ladies put up big numbers on the Butter Knives' entire goalkeeping depth chart, highlighted by sassy one-timers traded between Sawyer Rosendahl and Donny Kristjanson. Sophomore Julissa Johnson chipped in two muscle goals for a balanced B'sCLs passing and scoring frenzy. It was not uncommon for each Classy Lady to make several touches en route to an eventual easy score.

Rock solid too was the Classy Ladies' defensive performance, featuring key clears from second-year player Sydney Paoli, and requiring only minimal effort from cage master and 2018 All-Wednesday goalie Brett "Jelly Legs" Gilbraith. "When you're good, you just win, even if you don't want to," said Gilbraith, who also serves as Team Captain. "Give credit to the Butter Knives. Just kidding."

Perhaps the play that most-epitomized Monday's matchup occurred right after period break. While what seemed to be the entire Butter Knives huddle romped down the right side, a sneaking Paul Hoplin brandished the game ball just outside the left crease from a large tear in his pants. His shot was easily stuffed by a butterflying Gilbraith, who at the time was ordering Chinese with a cell phone to one ear. "That kind of took the wind out of our sails," Hoplin lamented. "We had all our Butter Knives on the right end occupying their entire defense, which left me with a great opportunity for a shot on goal. You'd think I'd never seen the back of the net before. To be clear, none of us had seen it all game."

The Butter Knives' schedule doesn't get any easier, as they will face 2018 champs Popcorn Resistance Education And Training in the 7pm game next Monday, while B'sCLs takes on an 0-1 Sundogs team in the 8pm slot.


Broken Kneecap Award-Brett "Jelly Legs" Gilbraith (already broken, but pulled off the shutout)

Yard Sale Award-Ben Schille (broken arm within first moments of 2018-19 season)

Unsung Co-Hero Award-Brittany Caillier, Greta Silewski (signed with the Butter Knives minutes before game time)

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