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Sweepers Can't Crack Hagen Code

"Not a math thing" Swifter Captain Mack admits


By the end of Wednesday night's matchup between league rivals Team Gandelson and the Swifter Sweepers, snow-sculptor extraordinaire and goalkeep Kyle Klivnik had had enough of the dizzying display of offensive skill sets dislodging his defenses.

"I thought to myself, 'Why the hell not?' and took things into my own hands," said Klivnik, who in the latter portion of the game laid his Swifter Sweeper's cage on its face in an attempt to slow the scoring frenzy brought on by the Gandelson sportsracers. Pre-season All-league defenseman Andy Conlon was having none of it, waiting keenly for the net to be restored and burying a statement piece from long distance to seal the game.

"We tried everything," Sweeper captain Austin Mack recalled. "Triple teaming [Gandeslon forward Nick] Hagen. Kicking the ball instead of stick handling it. Laying down the net. Nothing seemed to work out for us tonight."

Gandelson cruised to a 5-2 victory under the Town Square lights in what was the team's most comprehensive performance of the season, highlighted by crisp passing, sacrificial defense, and a flurry of shots on goal. Hagen had a first-half hat trick and finished with four goals. Gandelson goalie John Ferguson excelled in net, stopping 18 shots with a variety of stick and body acrobatics. Andrew Holter finished with three assists.

"We were on tonight. Spacing was there, good energy." Hagen would later say. "Give credit to the Sweepers. [Swifter Sweeper goalie-forward Collin] Hanson was a brute in net tonight right away, as was Klivnik in the second. We just had more early balls bounce our way."

Hagen would later bounce early from Half Brothers within minutes. Anyone with any information as to his whereabouts are encouraged to call the Grand Forks Police Department or private investigator and Gandelson team captain Paul Hoplin.

Mack finished with one goal for the Sweepers, who face Team C.O.R.O. next week at 7:30pm. Gandelson will square off with the Random Renegades in the 8:30 slot.


Broken Knee Cap Award - Andy Conlon (multiple blocks with the body)

Yard Sale Award - Kyle Klivnik

Unsung Hero Award - Paul McCullough (thoughtful trash talking kept the game respectable)

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